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Hello everyone! Not much going on here. Been depressed lately. Been being what I call 'bad'. Mostly just parying too much. Tryin to get a job, but I'm soo depressed.

Still processing Ellie's death. I'm in therapy, not just for that, but we've been covering it.
well everyone. I am sorry to say that my daughter, Elliana Marie was stillborn when I was 33 weeks pregnant. She was beautiful. Apperently she had stopped growing, and was so tiny. She weighed 1 lb 6 oz and was 13 inches long. She was born on April 5, 2011.

We had her cremated, cuz she was so tiny.

I haven't been on in so long cuz everything is crazy.

I'm doing as best as I can. Tomorrow, the 19 of May was my original due date.

But I know she's in heaven wit my momma now.
hello all! not much to update. just soooo stressed. being off most of the meds im used to....oh man. it's tough right now. plus..lookin for a job and an apartment. even harder. trying to avoid the hospital. at alllll costs. been there way too many times this past year. no more of that!!! gotta get myself stronger and better for this baby.

hugs to all

amanda

baby on board

wow helloooo everyone!!!! i havent been on in well, forever. i am now 15 weeks (16 2morro!) pregnant! i have a new bf, james. summing up life in the past few months...another hspitilaztion, moved in wit bf, living wit dad for now till i cn move in wit bf (hes 2 hrs from my dads). aaaand job hunting. cant chat long. so yep.

hour by hour...

that's how im taking life. ugh. i just got discharged from the hospital again today. a different than any i've been to before. it was a little better. ugh. im starting a new partial program and mvoing in wit my sister. my bf and i jus broke up but were stayin friends. sooooo much stress!!! and juliett, but thats kinda a good stress i guess. she's badgering me now. wants me to love her and play.

well i have to go tend to her. i was away for a few days so she deserves it. i'll update more when she's napping or something.

Juliett Hope

Hello!! Finally, an update. I know, it's been awhile!! I have exciting news tho! I am the mommy to a new, 7 week old kitten (: Her name is Juliett Hope. Pics under the cut!


JuliettCollapse )

life

well, last week at this time i was debating my sanity. now, i'm ready, willing, and trying my hardest to get myself better. that nurse in the hospital, Chris really touched me. I'm still in awe.

I feel like crying...again. But they are good tears. I'm so excited to get better and to finally be able to see all the good in life. Sometimes it seems so hard, and I think I could end it...but I can't let that consume me. I just can't.

I hope the rest of you are doing well. xoxo

i learned something today...

I learned that...I don't need other people to make me happy. yeah, I just kinda sorta lost a real good friend and I can't talk to her for 2 months...or ever..i rly don't know but we jus chatted briefly and that really kills me if I can't talk to her again...ever. But im stronger than that.

Today i realized I seriously wanted to live. I have the desire and I want to try, I really do. I cried for a good hour

And I spent the last few days in the hospital. Made some new friends, learned a few things, I'm feeling a little bit stronger.

But still, losing Stacy...that really fuckin hurts.

fuck a chicken

yeah, ik, another post today. but i need to, i need to rant to talk, to write. i need to spell out how i'm feeling or there won't be any pills left in the house.

my bf was questioning if i was happy wit him. i assured him were ok. were good now. im still stressing over my car.

and the only person i have come to depend upon i can't really talk to anymore, not untill her internship is over where i recieve counseling. so this sucks cuz she is the only person i can tell all this crap to and turn to and trust and we were sapost to have lunch next week for her bday but now we can't. and i hate that. she hasn't answered my text yet from today. so whatever, im not gonna bug her and i don't want her to get in trouble.

i need some ciggarettes and like 80 shots of vodka. but i have no ciggs cuzz i said hell wit it and haven't smoked in like almost 2 weeks. and my car doesn't work so i can't go buy ne!

im still debating the hospital. they say if you are questioning your safety you should get that checked out, but i have crap to do. saturday is baltimore for shane's bday...and idk. i know i need to take care of myself foremost. One second i'm like yeah i'll be ok, i can keep myself safe, i can do this. The next I'm like where the heckkkk is the tylenol?!

I HATE THE CONSTANT BATTLE.

p.i.s.s.e.d.

i'm outraged atm.

ONE: my car wont start!!!! i think it's the battery...cuz it's doing what it did when i first tried to start it at the place ad they were like oh it's the battery, so they said they put a brand new one in and i'm thinking either a) it's worse than the battery or b) they lied and didn't put a new one in. and really, i wouldn't put it past them to lie about that. katrina had some troubles with them. so i'm rather pissed.

TWO: i don't know. my anger jus flares like this. it's GAY. so lots could set me off. i was sapost to go meet my best fran to go engagement ring shopping for her. nooot anymore.

THREE: i'm jus plain ranting now. And I'm still debating my safety. I'm feeling a hospital stay coming on...or am i...who knowwwssss.

The Good News: I got my job at the hospital. So i'm one of the new ER housekeepers!

The Bad News: I want my knife. I want some pills. And I'm home alone.